Star Trek 3, don't click if you like this movie...

"Clutchman83" (joshstodola) 03/03/2016 at 14:22 • Filed to: None

3

14

Just look at that movie poster art. That’s some good stuff! The Enterprise is on fire juxtaposed with Kirk looking all manly and, hey! Is that Doc Brown as a Klingon? Yes! Yes it is! This movie looks pretty good right? WRONG! This is a terrible movie! It’s existence is an insult to the entire Star Trek franchise! As much as I love Star Trek 2 The Wrath of Khan I equally, reciprocally, hate this piece of poopy diaper barf. Yeah, poop references. I went there. This movie DESERVES it!

We are left at the end of the previous film with some pretty cool stuff. Kirk and the crew got whooped and clawed their way back to victory. It had action! It had drama! It had revenge muahhhahahaha! That movie was awesome. The exclamation point on it’s badass nature was that Spock sacrificed himself to save everyone. That’s good Spocking Spock. There is a reason why he is a fan favorite. Dude is LEGIT! But that leaves the franchise at a problem. Everyone loves Spock, he can’t actually be dead right? Well thankfully nobody is actually dead in science fiction and this film’s only reason for existing is to bring him back. Normally I would support this concept but this movie is so fucking lazy about absolutely EVERYTHING it tries to do I am having trouble mustering the keystrokes to even review it. This movie is apathy incarnate.

If you payed attention to the last movie there was this super gnarly deadly creation device called Genesis (not so subtle reference to humans playing god, this is a Star Trek staple). Khan manages to grab it away from Kirk and Starfleet and ultimately detonates the thing in a last ditch effort to kamikaze kill Kirk. It doesn’t work but it DOES spur Spock into action to fix the Enterprise’s warp drive by radioactively frying himself. Some may call it poetic that the Genesis device becomes the reason that Spock could be resurrected, I guess the writers probably had this in their minds and it does make sense. I’m not annoyed by that at all. This movie, this fucking movie though. Ugh. It is a mess.

I’ll summarize the movie with all the details you need to know. The Genesis device that Khan blew up created a planet, and Starfleet has deemed it off limits to everyone other than researchers. Somehow Spock transferred his consciousness into Dr. McCoy and he starts talking to Kirk back on Earth. I have to give credit to DeForest Kelley here, he nails the dead-eyed zombie spock act. This guy had chops, RIP. So Kirk and the Enterprise crew STEAL the fucking Enterprise to go get Spock back. Why the fuck would a Starfleet Admiral and a highly decorated crew have to steal a starship and how shitty is Starfleets security to let a bunch of olds jack their flagship!? What the fucking hell movie? David Marcus (Kirks kid) and Lt. Saavik (not Kirstie Alley anymore, boo) are back on the Genesis planet and stumble upon Spocks torpedo-casket and realize that somehow the planet resurrected his body, only he’s a kid. Well that’s pretty much the entire movie with the exception of the Klingons...

Why the fuck would you bother to cast Christopher fucking Lloyd as a villain and then make him a dunderheaded weak ass loser! The Klingons in this movie are terrible! They have apparently been snooping around in cloak mode watching David and Saavik poke around the planet before the Enterprise shows up. Once it does they attack (because of course, Klingons always attack) and disable the Enterprise. The only logical conclusion of course is for Kirk to blow the ship up. Wait, wut? Kirk blows up the Enterprise? What the hell again movie!?

This leads me to my absolute most hated moment in Star Trek film. I cannot explicitly state how this scene makes me feel because the anger would probably melt my computer screen if I were to unleash it. Suffice to say, this is a really bad movie moment. Okay, I’m breathing deeply, here we go.

Vulcans are supposed to be super-human strong physically and super-human disciplined mentally right? Can we agree on that? Then WHY THE FUCK DOES DAVID HAVE TO DEFEND SAAVIK AND DIE!!!!??? I don’t even like that guy but this moment seems so deliberate to elicit a GASP moment from the audience that it is completely LAUGHABLE!!! Then we get Kirk going full Shatner (never go full Shatner) and cursing out all of Klingon-manity for killing his son who he didn’t even realized existed until a very short time ago. It ultimately results in a sequence where Kirk kicks Doc Brown over a cliff into lava (I’m literally laughing about typing this sentence) and proclaiming “I’ve.... Had Enough.... Of YOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!” ROFLMAO. I’m just done with this movie.

So Spock is back but he’s a little bit weird. That’s it for this one. Save the Whales comes tomorrow!

RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht > Clutchman83 03/03/2016 at 14:32

1

It’s existence

Possessive its goof. Also some missing commas/etc. throughout. I do have one nice thing to say about III, and that’s that it was the launch of the official Klingon language.

Birddog > Clutchman83 03/03/2016 at 14:36

1

This whole movie could have been condensed and used as a flashback sequence in Save the Whales The Voyage Home.

I can’t wait till Undiscovered Country.

Clutchman83 > RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht 03/03/2016 at 14:36

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Just banged this post out, it’s kind of a stream of consciousness. I really hate this movie so I consider any grammatical errors to be canon for my brain.

wiffleballtony > Clutchman83 03/03/2016 at 14:38

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I’ll go one further. At best the original trilogy is fun in a campy old Sci Fi way. At worst their absolute utter crap.

Highlander-Datsuns are Forever > Clutchman83 03/03/2016 at 14:45

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It’s a little know fact that only the star trek movies that start with an even number are worth seeing. Or is it the odd number, crap I can’t remember. I really like the whale one. And the one with the guy who invented the warp drive and the borg fight thingies...

Steve in Manhattan > Clutchman83 03/03/2016 at 14:49

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Star Trek: The Movie was worse. We may have had this discussion before. And if you want to see DeForest Kelley in something truly awful, get Night of the Leepus. The monsters are ... big fluffy bunnies.

Clutchman83 > Highlander-Datsuns are Forever 03/03/2016 at 14:51

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The even number rule only applies to the first 6 in my opinion. The TNG movies wrecked that theory and the Nu Trek films are opposite so far.

Eric @ opposite-lock.com > Clutchman83 03/03/2016 at 14:54

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It’s still better than anything Shatner directed...

The Voyage Home is also pretty bad for an even numbered movie...

Clutchman83 > Steve in Manhattan 03/03/2016 at 14:56

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I disagree! Nothing approaches 3 and 5. TMP was a little boring but it wasn’t bad like this movie was.

Steve in Manhattan > Clutchman83 03/03/2016 at 15:04

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Maybe I think as I do because I paid cash American to see that shit first Star Trek movie in a theater. On the other hand, watched First Contact again last weekend, and I think it’s the best one they did. Alice Krige and the cast of Next Generation - I love that movie. And the opening title music is perfect.

Clutchman83 > Steve in Manhattan 03/03/2016 at 16:51

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I’ll agree with that, First contact is a fun movie even if Picard looks pretty silly trying to be an action star. I really loved James Cromwell as Cochran, he was a hammy blast!

Clutchman83 > Eric @ opposite-lock.com 03/03/2016 at 16:57

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How dare you insult save the whales! Second best Star Trek movie ever.

Steve in Manhattan > Clutchman83 03/03/2016 at 16:57

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Agreed - came out when I was a 3L in law school - spent precious money to see it.

Jonee > Clutchman83 03/03/2016 at 22:43

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Ha. Good job. I still enjoy this movie despite its many flaws. Some good Kirk moments. One of its biggest issues was it had a shoestring budget and it shows. And, I’ve never understood why since Khan was a hit.